Advice, Opinions, and Judgments

As many mothers will tell you, and as I've found out firsthand, when you're pregnant you get judged. A LOT. People just can't seem to help themselves. It's like people think a pregnancy belly means open season on criticism. Pregnant women also get plenty of unsolicited advice and opinions. Granted, most people who share the advice and opinions have good intentions, but that doesn't always make it easy to listen graciously. I'm sure it's more difficult than I realize for mothers not to dole out advice to moms-to-be. I certainly don't claim to have all the answers about pregnancy and motherhood; I have asked my mom friends a million questions already, and they've been wonderful about answering them. I guess it's just that when the advice is unsolicited it seems to come across as a bit condescending (not always, but sometimes), which is frustrating because while I know I should just be grateful that someone is sharing their words of wisdom with me (or at least what they consider wisdom), at times I just want to tell them to stop talking. I know, not the right attitude on my part. I'm working on it.

Now that it's obvious to people that I'm pregnant, I've started getting some pretty interesting looks and comments when people see me with my morning cup of coffee. Quite a few people have looked at me disapprovingly while I'm holding my coffee cup. I don't let their judgments make me feel bad, but I will say it is a strange thing to receive such disapproving looks and to know exactly what people are thinking. For the record, pregnant women are allowed to drink a certain amount of caffeine each day. And not that it's any of their business, but I only drink one cup of coffee each morning, and each one is decaf. As in not caffeinated. So as far as I'm concerned, the coffee-related judgments are silly, and I refuse to walk around defending myself for having a cup of decaf in the morning. And just for reference, making comments in a disapproving tone of voice like "Oh...You're still drinking coffee, huh?" or "That baby is gonna come out hyper" or "Should you really be drinking that?" isn't likely to change anyone's behavior. It will only serve to make the commenter feel that they are somehow better than you, which is really what many (I would say most) judgments are about.

Speaking of judgment, this one really made me angry. I ran out to the grocery store recently and was standing in the checkout line when I noticed that the woman in line behind me was glaring at me. I mean really glaring; I swear I could feel her eyes burning holes in the back of my head. After a minute, I turned around and the following conversation happened:

ME: Can I help you?
HER: No. But I'm going to pray for you. (said in the most judgmental tone of voice possible)
ME (super annoyed): And why are you going to pray for me?
HER (looking at my belly): Well you've clearly gotten yourself into a bit of a 'situation.'

[At this point I noticed that she had also glanced at my left hand, and I realized that I wasn't wearing my wedding and engagement rings (I had taken them off to put lotion on and hadn't put them back on yet). Things were starting to make much more sense, but understanding where she was coming from only made me angrier.]

ME (in my very quiet, "I'm really mad" voice): Are you really so arrogant that you feel the need to pass judgment on people you don't even know? I'm 32 years old and have been married for 5 years; you're judging me for having a baby because you assume I'm unmarried? Who do you think you are? You think you're justified in judging me because you're religious? Well then I think you're going to hell.

OK, so here's the thing. I realize I was harsh with her and that perhaps I should've chosen a more constructive approach in my response. But the reason her comments made me so angry is because I thought, what if I was unmarried or what if I didn't have enough confidence in myself to disregard her comments? What if I took them to heart and let them really affect and hurt me? You all might not agree with me at all on this, but I thought it was wrong of her to say what she said. She just wanted to look down her nose at someone. I honestly hope she doesn't do that to anyone else in the future.

I just needed to get that stuff off my chest - if any of you are ever feeling particularly judgmental, please consider keeping it to yourself. You might have the situation all wrong, and even if not, what result are you trying to achieve by sharing your criticism?

Next week I'll have a new belly photo as well as another post, so check back (not all of my posts are as negative as this one)!