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Mr. Giggles

Yesterday Odin laughed on purpose for the first time. He has laughed in his sleep here and there, but he hadn't yet laughed AT something - intentionally - until yesterday. Matt and I sat and laughed with him for a while, and it was incredible.

Of course we were only able to capture a few seconds on video, but he did quite a bit of laughing. Our voices are annoying, but hey, desperate times...

Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day; Matt made a delicious Irish stew (the house smelled SO good!), and Rita stopped by and brought us homemade soda bread (along with other yummy treats), which was the perfect complement to the stew. It was delicious. We also took the opportunity to get photos of Odin and Matt dressed for St. Patrick's Day. Matt got Odin the outfit and Uncle Alex and Aunt Kate sent him the hat.

Odin looking highly suspicious of Oliver

Musings on Motherhood

Next Tuesday, March 12th, Odin will be 3 months old.

I can't even believe I just typed that.

It's astonishing how quickly time flies and how suddenly you realize that those first couple months are in the past. Sometimes I feel like I'm still getting used to the fact that I'm not pregnant anymore; other times I feel like I've been a mother for years. It's a weird pendulum-swinging sensation, where in the course of a day I go back and forth several times from one extreme to the other. It makes the rapid passage of time since Odin was born all the more bewildering.

There was a time in my life when I felt that I didn't ever want to have children, though I changed my mind a few years ago. It wasn't because I didn't like children, it was more because I wasn't sure I would make a good parent. I guess nobody ever knows for sure what kind of parent they will be until they become one. Now that Odin is here and I have gotten used to the idea of actually being a mother, when I look ahead I see that all I can do for my kids (plural - assuming I have one more) is make the best choices I can, love them unconditionally, and try my best to show them the beauty in music, art, kindness, and laughter. I will undoubtedly make mistakes, but I hope I can be honest about my mistakes and use them to teach my children. I want to show them the joy in silliness, that while people can be awful they can also be wonderful, and how to be self-reliant. I'd like to teach them that it's ok to feel sad, just as it is ok to feel angry or happy. How I'll teach my kids all of these things is something I'll have to figure out as I go, but I hope I won't lose sight of the things I think are important for them to know.

It's amazing that this journey is now underway.

Sweet Baby, Happy Family

A couple Saturdays ago, my dear friend - aka my 'little brother' - Mike (world famous for the photos he took of my belly when I was pregnant) came to the house for a photo shoot with Odin, Matt, and me (though the dogs got in on the action, too). There's not a whole lot to say about it except that I am very happy to have good photos of Odin at this age (he was 2 1/2 months old when these were taken), and Mike was so wonderful to do this for us. Thank you, Mikey.

Odin's Birth Story: Episode II

Click here to access Episode I of Odin's Birth Story

So the epidural had me feeling comfortable for a while, but then the magnesium had me hating life. As I began to feel weaker and weaker from the magnesium, I realized how difficult pushing the baby out was going to be (not that I thought it would be a piece of cake to begin with), and I started to wonder how - or frankly, if - I was going to be able to do it. Before the magnesium, giving birth seemed like a tremendous task, but after the magnesium it loomed like an impossible feat. Anyway, once my contractions were really close together I started the pushing phase, and all I could think was, 'This is never going to work' because I was so weak I couldn't even lift my limbs, so how was I supposed to have the strength to push out a baby? With each contraction, I grasped for as much strength as I could find and gave it every ounce of energy I had. Matt had to lift up my head and shoulders with each push because I couldn't do it myself. As time went on, I really did feel like I wasn't going to be able to push the baby out and the doctor would decide I would have to have a cesarean. And actually, that was nearly the case. After over an hour of pushing, it became clear to the medical team that I was so weak I probably couldn't push the baby out on my own, so the doctor used forceps to help Odin out. The use of forceps wasn't something I had even thought about, but at that point I realized I needed as much help as I could get, and if it prevented me from needing a c-section, I was ok with it.

It took a few more pushes with the forceps to get Odin delivered, and I remember several things very distinctly from that moment: first, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief that he was finally out, because since it had been over 24 hours since my water had broken, I had started to feel a sense of urgency and I wanted to make sure he wasn't in there too long; second, I remember being concerned because for the first few minutes after Odin was born I didn't hear him make any noise at all. A few minutes seems like a terribly long time when you're waiting to hear your child cry for the first time. The midwife kept going back and forth from where Odin was to where I was, and reassuring me that he was ok, which was incredibly helpful, but I really wanted to hear some kind of noise out of Odin. The midwife would come over to me and say things like, "I know you can't hear him right now, but I promise you he's ok. He has good color and he looks great." Strangely enough, I never did hear Odin cry in the delivery room; actually, neither Matt nor I heard him cry until more than 24 hours after he was born. He made noises and he hiccupped, but he didn't cry at any point when he was with us during his first day. It was certainly not what we expected, but he was healthy and that was a huge relief. After Odin was assessed and cleaned up - and after I had the chance to say hello to him for a couple of seconds - he was whisked off to the nursery, and Matt went along with him so that he could give our families the news that the baby was finally born. When the nurses were wheeling Odin down the hallway to the nursery, they didn’t stop to let our families come over and see him; our family members had just enough time to catch a glimpse of him as they ran down the hall next to him! Everyone was so happy that he had finally made his entrance into the world!

Mommy meets Odin face-to-face

Meanwhile, I was in the labor and delivery room getting stitched up - the forceps had caused some internal lacerations, and then there were external stitches necessary as well. I was so exhausted; between giving birth and being on the magnesium I don’t think I’ve ever been so exhausted. At that point, I just wanted to rest and I hoped I would be able to get some sleep very soon. I was lying there thinking, ‘I can’t believe Odin is really here!’ and feeling groggy. And then, all of a sudden, everything in the room changed. Because Odin was five weeks early, there were a lot of extra people from the NICU in the room when he was born, just in case he had any issues or complications. Some of those people had gone with Odin to the nursery, but some of them were still in the room with me. The doctor who was stitching me up suddenly said, in an urgent voice, “Postpartum hemorrhage.” As soon as those words came out of her mouth everyone in the room got very serious and very efficient in their words and their movement. The doctor called out an order to push Hemabate, a drug that helps blood to clot, through my IV. I was feeling weak already from the magnesium, but I noticed that I was now feeling extremely lightheaded and a little dizzy. I felt like I was going to pass out. The nurse right next to me called out, “BP sixty over thirty.” I remember thinking, huh, 60/30 - that doesn’t sound good. It was surreal; Matt had just walked out of the room with Odin a few minutes before, and everything was just fine. I was thinking, What if I pass out and don’t wake up? How shocking will it be for Matt if he left me here, perfectly fine, and then minutes later learns I bled to death? Did I just give birth to a son who will never know his mother? I realize these thoughts may seem overly dramatic; reading them now I can see how it would seem that way. But if you had been in the room with me at the time, you would have a much better understanding of how serious the situation was, and why I was thinking about the possibility of not getting the opportunity to raise Odin. I didn’t have the energy to panic, but the gravity of the situation was definitely not lost on me. It was scary. I had no control over anything. I am grateful to the medical staff who helped me. I am glad things turned out well, and I consider myself lucky.

There will be one more ‘episode’ about Odin’s birth story, which will include my recovery, his time in the NICU, and bringing him home.

Quick 2-Month Update

I know, you guys. I haven't posted the second 'episode' of Odin's birth story yet. I'm still working on it. But until I get it finished I'll try to post some quick updates and photos.

Coming home from the hospital

I can't believe Odin is two months old already. He has gone from 6 lbs., 5 oz. at birth to 10 lbs., 8 oz. in only two months, which seems like such a huge jump, and he has also grown 3 inches. My tiny boy won't be tiny much longer.

Got milk? He did!

I returned to work on Monday of this week, and while I do miss Odin during the day I have not experienced the total devastation some mothers feel when they first go back to work. I'm so happy that Odin is either with Matt or Pat (Matt's Mom) every day, so I know he is in the best of hands.

Baby Odin has made some huge strides in the last week by sleeping for much longer stretches of time at night, which is truly a blessing. Generally at night he will eat more at once and then sleep longer, usually sleeping for anywhere between 2.5 - 5 hours at a time. He is enjoying tummy time (usually, anyway) and it has been so fun to watch him look at things now that he can see so much. His favorite things to look at are ceiling fans (turned off for better viewing), though ceiling lights of any kind come in a close second. He often strokes my arm or my back while I'm holding him and he loves to grab at things.

Ready to go on an adventure

Murphy and Oliver (the dogs) "check on" Odin frequently throughout the day, seemingly just to make sure all is well. They don't nudge him or lick him, they just sniff the area around him, typically not getting any closer than 3-4 inches from him, and once they're satisfied that he's ok, they leave him alone.

Tummy champion

Matt and I are so in love with our boy, and we've been having a lot of fun being parents. Though sometimes it is also not very fun. But usually it is. I think we make a pretty good team.

Odin's Birth Story: Episode I

Odin Andrew Ball was born at 2:15 a.m. on December 12, 2012. He weighed 6 pounds, 5 ounces, and he was 18.5 inches long. His arrival was a bit of a shock, because he wasn't due to be born until January 14. Since I'd had a normal, healthy pregnancy, I didn't expect Odin to come five weeks early.

My labor really started on Monday, December 10, though I didn't realize it at the time. I went to work that morning, and at around 9:00 a.m. my lower back started aching and I had some pain in my lower abdomen. At 11:30 a.m. I decided to go home. I knew I was having contractions here and there, but they weren't painful or strong, so I figured they were Braxton-Hicks contractions and were no big deal. But all I really wanted to do was lie down. I assumed I was just feeling "off" that day and hoped I'd feel better later on. I responded to all of my e-mails and headed home to rest; for the rest of the day I just laid on the couch and either napped or watched TV. I had a couple contractions in the evening that were more intense, but I still didn't think they were anything to worry about.

Monday night I went to bed and woke up at about 1:40 a.m. because I had to get up to pee; in my third trimester my bladder would typically wake me up twice during the night, and I'd usually wake up sometime around 1:30 for the first bathroom trip, so this was completely normal for me. I went back to bed, pulled up the covers, closed my eyes, and then BAM! my water broke. I leapt out of bed so fast I nearly fell when my feet hit the floor. I was so shocked that I had to sit down for a few minutes and try to wrap my brain around what was going on. I took a deep breath and said, "Okay. That just happened." Although I should’ve waited, I went ahead and woke Matt and let him know I would be calling the midwife to find out exactly what I needed to do. Since I wasn’t having painful contractions I told him we wouldn’t be in any huge rush even if we needed to get to the hospital. I called the midwife and she told me that I did need to come to the hospital, and that because my water had broken I definitely wouldn’t be able to leave once I was there. I hadn’t yet packed a bag to take to the hospital, so I gathered the things I would need and got everything ready to go. Then Matt and I drove to the hospital in the rain.

We arrived at the hospital at around 3:15 a.m. Thankfully I had pre-registered so I didn’t have a ton of paperwork to deal with when we got there. Matt and I were supposed to have had our tour of the birthing center on Tuesday evening, so obviously we didn’t need to attend since I was already admitted to the hospital by then. I got settled into my (huge) labor and delivery room, had blood taken (they needed to know my platelet count so that they’d know whether an epidural was an option for me since I’d had a very low platelet count 1-2 months prior), and answered a bunch of questions asked by a nurse. My blood pressure was surprisingly high (my BP had been normal throughout my pregnancy), but the midwife let me rest for a bit to see if it would go down on its own, and after a couple of hours it was back to normal. I figured I was just a bit anxious from the shock of my water breaking unexpectedly and knowing I was going to give birth five weeks early. A few hours later I was put on pitocin to strengthen my contractions and help labor to progress; since my water had broken, they wanted to deliver the baby as soon as possible, ideally within 24 hours. As the day went on, I did have stronger, more intense (and more painful) contractions, and they started to come closer together as well.

Later in the morning I took a shower and then tried to rest some more as labor progressed. The more pain I experienced, the hotter I became. I had the thermostat in the room turned down twice to make it cooler, and by Tuesday evening all of my poor family visitors were freezing. They each literally had two blankets covering them (see photo of Christi). I felt bad that they were so cold, but if I hadn’t lowered the temperature I think I would’ve melted. By early evening, my contractions had become so painful that I decided to get an epidural. I was very thankful that my platelet count was high enough that I had this option. I can honestly say I don’t remember anything at all about actually getting the epidural – I must’ve blocked the most painful part of the day from my memory; I don’t remember what the person looked like – or even whether it was a man or a woman – who administered it, and I don’t remember sitting up for it. But after a little while I felt soooo much better, and I was spending much less energy on just dealing with the pain.

Unfortunately, around 10:00 p.m. my blood pressure was very high again and the consulting doctor was concerned it might cause me to have seizures (eclampsia), so she made the decision to put me on magnesium to lower my blood pressure. I don’t know if you’ve ever been on magnesium, but it was the WORST. While it did lower my blood pressure, it also made me feel groggy, completely weak (I couldn’t even lift my legs up off the bed), and completely drained any energy I had left after laboring all day. Standard protocol is to keep a patient on magnesium for 24 hours after the baby is delivered, so unfortunately I had a whole lot more magnesium misery ahead of me. The magnesium also made me unable to focus my eyes, so for a whole day after Odin was born I couldn’t see straight; it felt like my eyes were crossed and I couldn’t un-cross them. Needless to say, I was thrilled when they finally stopped the magnesium – after a couple of hours, I was back to normal.

At sometime between 12:45-1:00 a.m. I started pushing. It was hard. I had no energy whatsoever. But Odin did finally make his entrance into the world and his exit from my uterus! I’ll cover that part of the experience in episode two.